Where is everybody?

Hello! I have decided to retire from the blogging world for various reasons. I made my blog "private" some time ago, and only I was able to read it. It never occurred to me that some of you might think I was snubbing you, so I apologize to those of you who thought you weren't on the guestlist!

I've decided to come back, and make my blog open to the public again for a short time because I'm trying to reconnect with certain people who, much to my chagrin, seem to have disappeared from the blogosphere while I was gone. There are many of you I'd like to get in touch with, but Reluctant Blogger, Peridot Ash and Arekino particularly spring to mind.

If you're out there, please leave a comment on this post with your email address (don't worry - I moderate all comments, and won't publish your info).

Hope to reconnect with some people soon! If not, thanks for coming along for the ride! It was fun while it lasted.

Tonight

I'm coming back. I'll see you all tonight.

Thank You, America!

I feel bad for not writing on here sooner about Obama's victory but I have been sick for about a week because of the dog I rescued - my allergies developed into a nasty chest cold, which is still leaving me tired and lethargic, with a hacking cough.

I know that most of my readers (fuck, most of the world!) is delighted about the election result but I wonder if those of you who don't live in the US understand just what a fucking relief it is to be rid of Bush and the Republican Party (hopefully, for eight years at least!). I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I know that most of my American friends feel the same way. Months before the election took place, I joked about leaving the country if McCain won (especially when he brought that whack job Palin on board) but on the day of the election, I realized that I really would have to leave if the Republicans held on to power. The last eight years have been so dark for America, and I just don't think I could have taken any more.

It's strange the way a country's politics can really affect your own happiness and sense of well-being, and I don't think that I had quite realized just how much living in the US, under a Bush administration, was getting me down. I never worshipped Obama the way some people did - he is a politician, after all, and how much change can he really bring about? - but, oh my God, this is such a huge step in the right direction that it literally brings tears to my eyes. On the morning of the 4th, I was cycling around town, and went past two girls holding up Obama signs. I grinned and waved at them, and had to suppress a sob because I was so moved at the thought of an Obama victory.

Later that night, I went to a Democrat party and watched Obama's victory speech, and the tears were streaming down my face. Michael and I then went out onto the streets and danced and sang with everybody else. I have always been interested in politics, but I have never been so touched and inspired by a politician before, and it was truly amazing to see how much he energized people.

He is nowhere near as liberal as I would like him to be (how could be ever be in this country?), and there's no way he can live up to all the expectations people have of him but, nonetheless, I am ecstatic that he won and that Bush and his cronies will be sent back to Texas with their tails between their legs.

For the first time in four years, I can now say that I've actually got some respect for the American people. Maybe this is silly, but Obama's victory makes me more inclined to think nicer thoughts about Americans in my daily life. I live in a Republican state, and the vast majority of my clients (I'd say 90%) are Republicans, too. Of course, most of them are perfectly nice on a personal level, but chat to them about politics for a few minutes, and you quickly see the greed seep out. In many cases, they're just too fucking stupid, and know so little of the world, to be able to question Republican ideology. These men didn't suddenly wake up the day after the election with a more compassionate, socially conscious world-view but here's hoping that Obama can show them - even if only slightly - that the USA does not need to ruled by greed and money. And if he doesn't, well, I can still experience a great deal of Schadenfreude about McCain's defeat. It is a huge "fuck off" to the clients who piss me off the most. Ha fucking ha ha ha!

The most curious thing about the sex industry - at least in my experience - is that most clients seem to have a distinct right-wing bent (the only black client I have even said that he was planning on voting for McCain?! What the fuck?!). So much for all that talk about sexual liberty and "alternative lifestyles". Republicans are all for alternative sexualities, just as long as their cocks can be involved! If not, then they're all about "family values"! (excuse me while I vomit on my keyboard). Admittedly, this could be because I live in a Republican state, so perhaps it's only natural that I'd attract that kind of client. Maybe if I lived somewhere like New York City, I'd have a wider, more diverse range of clients.

I don't know, though. Most men who can afford to see erotic masseuses and escorts on a regular basis make quite a bit of money and are therefore more likely to lean Republican because they don't want to pay high taxes. Very rarely do I encounter clients who are teachers, artists, social workers e.g. clients in professions where money isn't the guiding principle. My regulars, for the most part, are engineers, lawyers or work in real estate.

I avoid reading and posting on escort review boards/message boards because most of the guys on there are right-wing assholes. They're not just Republican in a fiscally conservative way, but rather they want to bomb the fuck out of Iraq and Afghanistan; they talk all the time about American being the greatest country in the world; want to ban abortion; love their guns and tell you to get the fuck out of their country if you happen to voice just the teeniest bit of dissent. I used to get such a rise out of provoking these guys online, but then I realized I had far better things to do.

Nonetheless I could not resist putting a little political element in my latest advert online. In the subject line, I wrote something like "Celebrate an Obama victory with an erotic massage". The following three messages I received (I'm surprised actually that there weren't more) just show you the ignorance of the people I have to deal with on a daily basis:

(1) "Yea for Obama!!! I can't wait til he gets into office so I caN PAY MY FAIR SHARE OF TAXES!! AFTER ALL i HAVNT BEEN PAYING ENOUGH. And once he bankrubpts the coal industry we can look forward to electric bills "sky rocketing" as we dont pay enough for that either, Yes we will all have to pay our fair share.. the top 5% (your customers) and midle class alike, we'll be privlaged and patriotic to pay more taxes, more for electric bills and everything else as well since we wont drill and gas prices will come back to 4 or 5 dollars a galon. Yes I'm with you, and us patriotic Americans will appriciate your sacrifices too as there wont be as many customers (not as much expendible income and all) yes we can all do our part. And what nerve to pick a woman and think she could do the job of a man ..lol, thats got to be the worst. thanks Charles"

Note, by the way, the terrible spelling and this person's inability to make a coherent argument. Perhaps this poor fellow would have had a better education if the US poured more money into schools rather than into bombs!

(2) "Bringing politics into the picture is not a smart move. It is a personal preference that is only shared by half of your possible clients. I respect those that see a different view, maybe you should do the same and keep politics out of the picture. I had been interested in your services, but now I am not so sure. Have a nice evening."

This guy is more articulate although he seems to be a little confused about free speech. Right-wing types on escort boards are always touting "free speech" as one of the reasons American is great (yadda yadda yadda) but it's strange how they can't seem to tolerate it when someone espouses views different from their own - especially a woman! I was also amused that this guy expected me to be upset that he no longer wants to come see me! Clearly he never stopped to consider that sex workers have preferences, too, and I am certainly not upset about losing the custom of an asshole.

(3) "Slutty Dear, i will not come see you now. you really should not interject political discussion in your business ventures. its your choice to do so, but, its my choice not to come visit and support you financially. if you like Socialism so much go back to Europe."

Yet another client who doesn't realize that he is no great loss. And don't you just love that old, tried-and-tested "Go back to your country" line?! That one always cracks me up given that the US is a nation of immigrants!

Ahhh, I'm getting angry again, and this wasn't supposed to be the point of this post.

I have only one last thing to say: Thank you, America! For the first time, I am actually glad to be living in the US!

Dr Slutty McDolittle

I've always said that variety is the spice of life, me. But when it comes to sperm, I was quite happy to stick exclusively to the human variety. Today, however, I actually got some dog cum on my left hand!

Accidentally, I should add.

Just when I thought I couldn't get any more broke, I had to go and find another bloody stray dog, didn't I? He was wandering through an old, local graveyard where I sometimes take my own dogs for a walk. I don't have the time, energy or money for another dog, but what could I do? I couldn't just leave the poor wee baby out there all by himself. It was a good thing I found him when I did because the nights are getting colder now, and he would surely have been miserable if he had had to sleep rough any longer.

There's no point taking animals to the shelter because there are so many strays in this city that they end up putting down tens of thousands of animals every year. Strays have got about a week to find a home otherwise they get euthanized. Maybe it's irrational of me, but I always feel that a stray has crossed my path for a reason, and that it's my duty to take them in. I don't understand how people can be so cold and unfeeling when it comes to animals because they are just like us - they have complex emotions and feelings, and so of course it must be awful for them to be strays with no-one to love them!

It's horribly time-consuming and expensive to have so many pets (two dogs, two cats - and now this new one) but, on the other hand, they bring me so much joy. My life would have been so much emptier without them. I do worry about the future, though. The plan is to move to a big city eventually - hopefully New York City - and how on earth will I fit five pets in an apartment there? Worse still, pit bulls are banned across most of Western Europe, and I own a pit bull mix. The law is slightly more lenient about letting mixes into the UK, but there's no guarantee she'll be accepted and if she's refused entry I'll get fined for attempting to bring a dangerous dog into the country, and would have to send her back to the US! I cannot give up my pit bull, so I may not be able to return to Scotland until she dies. Oh, if only I had cultivated more underworld connections when I lived in Scotland. I'm sure I could have found somebody to help me smuggle her in!

The new dog, a boy, looks like he's got a bit of rough collie in him (like Lassie, above), and I have a huge soft spot for collies given that I'm a farm girl, and grew up around them. My grandfather was a shepherd and even used to train them. They're such sweet-natured animals, so eager to please. This one is also a bit of a randy bastard, though. He hasn't been neutered, so he keeps trying to shag my female pit bull. He's like the fucking Benny Hill of the dog world, the way he keeps chasing that poor girl around the yard. Those balls are coming off on Friday, so I will never again have to deal with dog cum on my hands whenever I try to pick him up! I'm also hoping that his lack of balls will make me less allergic to him, as apparently neutered and spayed animals produce less dander. Ironically, I am horribly allergic to most animals (everything except cats, and my own two dogs - and I'd have to be hospitalized if I went near a horse).

I wanted to write more, but I am slightly tipsy and exhausted, so off to bed I go with my menagerie surrounding me.

Disillusioned by Academia

Those of you who have been regular readers of this blog for the last couple of months will know that I have spent some time thinking about training to be a high school English teacher. I just can't wait to get my sperm-stained erotic masseuse's hands on America's youth!

Those of you who have been with me from the very beginning will remember that I spent far too long languishing in a Liberal Arts Master's program, which resulted in my getting depressed, dropping out, and finally graduating this May. Amusingly, I came in to my program as the best student - and even got a prestigious scholarship - and left as persona non grata after threatening to sue my department when they wanted to kick me out! Fun times!

Last week I was busy putting together all the paperwork I would need to send in to the education centre - transcripts, references etc. As my most recent work experience as a teacher was at the university from which I got my Master's, I realized that it might look weird if I didn't have a reference from someone there. As you can imagine, I do not have many people there I can ask for a recommendation given that I threatened to sue their sorry academic asses! However, my thesis advisor is actually not in the department in question and was, as far as I was concerned, a neutral person. Most of the time, we had a good relationship, and at one point she even said that I was her "favourite student". She was certainly my favourite professor although, looking back, there were certain little things she said or did which left niggling doubts about her sincerity. As luck would have it, I had also been her teaching assistant one semester, and she had seen me teach. Towards the end of my time at the university, there was no doubt that she got frustrated and annoyed with me for handing in work late - and I definitely sensed a deterioration in the relationship - but this should never have been something she took personally because she knew that I was depressed. In fact, she had even told me about how her father had sexually abused her when she was a child, and that she had been clinically depressed in graduate school herself. She had been on antidepressants to combat panic attacks for ten years at the time she told me this.

I emailed her a couple of months ago to let her know that I would be looking for teaching jobs, and to ask if she would mind giving me a reference if the need arose. I made it clear that I was not asking for an academic reference, but specifically a teaching one. I had not been a good student in grad school and, even though there were extenuating circumstances, I realized that she could not give me a positive academic reference, and that it would be putting her in an awkward spot if I asked for such a thing. I had, however, been a fucking great TA - even if I do say so myself! - and she knew this. She had observed me teach, and had read my student evaluations at the end of the year, in which the vast majority of my students had nothing but lovely things to say about me. In quite a few cases, students had even written "Slutty is the best TA I ever had. You could tell she really cared about her class".

Her email response to my reference request was (and these are her exact words):

"Yes, you are a great teacher and I'd be willing to tell anyone that!"

When it was time to post off my teacher application reference to her, I did notice that there were some questions on the form, which talked about my academic abilities (such as "Rate this person's ability to do academic work"), and I did wonder if those would be problematic for her. I assumed, though, that she would just email and tell me she could not rate me positively in those areas, and suggest I find someone who could. This was, I thought, the correct etiquette when giving someone a reference, and I had made it perfectly clear that I would not be offended if she told me to find someone else.

Well, earlier this week, I had still heard nothing back from her to say she had received the reference form, or that she had sent it off, and this struck me as slightly odd. The deadline was looming, and I was worried that her silence meant she was out of town at a conference or something, so I emailed her to ask. I got the following email back (once again her exact words):

" I sent it in.

I feel I should tell you that although I was of course able to rank you very highly on your academic preparation and classroom skills, there were also questions about whether you meet deadlines, are reliable etc. that I was not able to answer as positively. So it is a somewhat mixed review. I'm sorry to have to say so."

The word "flabbergasted" does not even begin to describe the emotions I felt when I read this email. Yes, it is true that I had trouble meeting deadlines while in grad school (in fact, I was so bad I don't think I ever handed anything in on time) but, as for reliability, I always worked hard as a teaching assistant and certainly didn't slack off. In fact, at that point in my life, teaching was the only thing that gave me joy and a sense of purpose because I felt so lost and confused when it came to my own research, so I would say that I threw myself into it. If my supposed "unreliability" refers to those missed deadlines again, this is just bullshit. The woman knew I was depressed, and should have known how hard it is to get stuff done when you feel like shit.

All of this, however, is besides the point. The point is that one does not send off a shitty reference and inform the person of this after you've posted if off already. The decent thing would have been to tell me she couldn't give me a good reference and tell me to find somebody else (and, hell, I could have found numerous people to vouch for me. I only asked her because she had witnessed my most recent teaching). The fact that she didn't do this suggests that she quite maliciously set out to hurt my chances.

And why? I'll never know for sure, but I will guess that it's because, in some way, she took my missed deadlines very personally, and as insult to her prowess as an academic. I also suspect that, for all her supposedly heartfelt commiseration about depression, she eventually came to the conclusion that I was just someone who could not get her act together, and who had nothing wrong with her. I remember her telling me one time about her own depression experience in grad school when she said she crawled out of her bad every day to write a paragraph of her dissertation. What I took from this was that her studies were the only thing that kept her going. This was certainly not the case for me. I found grad school pompous, pretentious and cut off from real life, and the work I had to do only made me more depressed. I had no passion for it to pull me through the bad times.

All this means is that academia was not for me. But it does not mean that someone has the right to screw up my chances of doing something I would be passionate about just because of their own ego.

This professor is a feminist and a lesbian who has two small sons with her partner whom she conceived with the help off a sperm donor. She is very conscious of her own place at the margins of society, and all her work is about deconstructing traditional hierarchies of power, and empowering the disenfranchised. When I talked earlier about the niggling doubts I had about her, it was because I had noticed eventually that she was still very much a part of privileged academic culture despite her claims to the contrary.

Her shitty reference upsets me all the more because she professes to be someone who does not abuse her power, and who is on the side of the underdog.

My time in the US has been so fucking hard and I feel that I deserve a fucking break, and I just can't believe this woman couldn't see that, or chose to ignore it to exact some form of revenge for God knows what.

I am, rather surprisingly, quite philosophical about the whole thing, though. I genuinely believe that I would be an inspirational, caring teacher, but if this woman's reference stops me from getting accepted onto the program, well, I'll just take it as a sign that it wasn't meant to be - at least not now, and not in this country.

To be honest, I also feel rather glad that I'm me, and that I had the experience of struggling at university because I think it will make me a better teacher. My professor has suffered in her own way, no doubt, but she is still very much the child of middle-class, highly-educated parents, and she coasted effortlessly from undergrad to an Ivy League grad school. I don't think that she really understands the disenfranchised people she talks so eloquently and compassionately about. My parents both left school at fifteen but, nonetheless, there was always an expectation that I would go to university, and, when I did, I always excelled at everything. Until grad school, I had no idea of what it was like to be in an educational institution, and to be flailing about miserably despite having talent and potential. I never really understood "low achievers" (or the complex reasons for their lack of achievement) and probably thought that they were just lazy and unfocused. I never understood what it was like to have people in authority treat you like you were an idiot, and to overlook you.

I understand now. Oh, my God, yes, I understand all too well. And I know how utterly damaging it is to be written off as "lazy" or "unreliable" when you're desperately trying not to be, but somehow can't manage it. I also understand what it's like to be seen as an immature rebel, the one with an "attitude problem", when developing that "attitude" was the only way you could salvage some of your self-esteem when you felt so disempowered and weak. If I ever do become a teacher, I will certainly never write off children for being "lazy", "disruptive" or "slow" or whatever other labels children are given when they don't achieve what they're supposed to. I don't think there's any such child actually. Instead I think there are only institutions which don't meet, and don't care about meeting, the needs of their students; and teachers who don't take the time to really work out what's causing their students' problems.

My graduate student days were the most miserable and painful of my life, but at least I learned that fucking lesson. And, you know what?! It pisses all over my stupid fucking Master's degree.

Teacher's Pet?

I've gone and done it again, haven't I? Disappeared from blogland, I mean. To be honest, I have fallen into a rather dark spell over the last month or so. I stopped writing in my journal, and posting to my blog because I just can't shake the feeling that it's self-indulgent to do both these things. I have also stopped running as much as I used to, so much so that I pulled out of the Portland Marathon at the beginning of the month. When I get depressed, I don't eat as much as I should, and it was ridiculous to think that I could run 26.2 miles in such an undernourished state. My financial situation was also a factor in that, though, as I just couldn't justify flying to the other side of the country for a marathon.

Luckily, my dark spells don't last too long, so I think I am getting back on track with the running and the writing. As my darling Reluctant Blogger mentioned in a comment yesterday, she goes "batty" if she doesn't write, and I feel the same way. I just need to get it into my thick skull that writing and running (even if they are self-indulgent activities) are completely necessary for my mental health. I have also come to the conclusion over this last month that it might be worth trying antidepressants again because there are some issues in my life that probably won't go away no matter how much writing and running I do. I used to be such an ambitious person, really organized and efficient, and would always get things done in time, but now all I seem to do is sit around and procrastinate. I feel like I'm a shadow of my former self, and it affects my self-esteem that I can't get started on tasks easily, or finish them when I do. It's a vicious cycle - the more I procrastinate, the more my self-esteem is affected; the more my self-esteem plummets, the more likely I am to procrastinate because I feel hopeless. I don't know if antidepressants are the answer, but I do think that I am probably suffering from some sort of low-grade depression, so I'll give them a shot again. At the very least, the idea of going on them gives me hope that I'll get better.

What else is new? Hmmm. Well, I did end up applying for the teacher training program I mentioned in my last post. I felt a little bit insulted by some of the comments on that post, which suggested that I wasn't "dedicated" enough to the students to become a teacher. I have actually always loved teaching, and have always got excellent feedback in student evaluations precisely because my students could tell that I genuinely gave a shit about them. My only worry about high school teaching is that it will be five days a week. I'm concerned that it will drain me so much that I will have no energy left to do anything creative. I know myself well enough to realize that I am somebody who is at her best when she has a good balance of outside stimulation (through other people and my environment) and time by myself.

Right now, my life is completely uncentred. Working as an erotic masseuse means that I spend far too much time alone and, well, giving handjobs for a living is hardly intellectually challenging. All of my excess energy, which could be channelled in healthy, appropriate ways if I had a job that interested me, ends up turning back in on itself. The result of this, as you have witnessed from this blog, is that I become neurotic, self-obsessed and depressed. There is far too much "me" in my life.

I worry that teaching may tip the scale too much in the other direction - that I'll spend so much time wrapped up in the lives of my students that I'll have no time to sit and think about shit - something which is good for me, in moderation!

Ach, but what the fuck! I'm fucking sick of erotic massage, and I want to be useful to society. In fact, "want" is the wrong word here. I'm fucking dying to do something useful with my life, which helps other people. Generally, then, I feel rather good about my decision to apply to be a teacher. There is no guarantee that they will take me because I am not an American citizen, and, once I have done the training, I will need to convince a school to sponsor for me for a work visa. There's no legal reason why they couldn't do this, but perhaps schools just won't want the hassle of this. We'll see what happens. If I get rejected, I'll just take it as a sign that I was never meant to teach in the US in the first place. I can always move back to Scotland and get trained to teach there, or perhaps even London.

I do have my doubts about the American education system, though. When I was filling out my teacher application, I saw that I had to do an "online interview". I was a bit confused about this, and thought that a real, live, human being would be asking me questions online. This struck me as weird and faintly ridiculous (why not do a fucking face-to-face interview?), but, well, what the hell. It actually turned out to be something even worse - it was an online fucking personality test - which was ironically called "Teacher Insight" - with multiple-choice answers.

Here's an example of one of the questions:

Q: Do you think that you are better than other teachers?

(A) Yes.
(B) No
(C) I don't compare myself to other teachers.
(D) I don't know.

The answers above weren't exactly the same as in the test, but are pretty similar. To be perfectly frank, such questions actually make me livid because it seems to me that the answers don't take into consideration people's cultural background, which could make people, with very similar skills, talents and experience, answer very differently. Now I know that I don't come across as the most modest person on this blog but, hey, this is my personal space, and I feel entitled to be an arrogant bitch sometimes, if I so desire. However, in "real life" I would never come out and say that I consider myself to be a "better teacher" than somebody else. I sure as hell might think it in some cases, but I was brought up - as were most Scottish people - to be humble and modest. You just do not talk or boast about your talents in public. I could not answer "yes" to this question (was this what they wanted?!) because it seems insufferably arrogant to do so. I think that, yes, I am better than some teachers but, hell, I've got a lot of learning ahead of me. I also rejected (C) because, even though I do have several years teaching experience, I still consider myself a novice, and I do compare myself to other teachers. I think this is probably something every new teacher goes through until they've been doing the job for a long time and are confident in their abilties.

In the end, I chose (D): "I don't know".

There were many other questions, even more ridiculous than this one, which cannot possibly measure the many subtle and wonderful qualities I, and other prospective teachers, could bring to the classroom. The ones I am sure I will be slammed on were "Do you consider yourself a negative person?" and "Do you consider yourself a judgemental person?" If an answer option had been "Fucking hell, yeah!", it would have been my first instinct to choose it. One of my major flaws is that I dwell far too much on the negative side of life, and I am always too quick to criticize and judge other people. I know this about myself, though, and I do try to work on it.

I should also mention that one of the things I love best about teaching is that it has actually taught me to be less judgemental and more compassionate. I can't believe I just wrote that last cheesy sentence, but it is actually true. One of my favourite teaching moments was when I had to lead a class in a discussion about abortion. Half of this class seemed to be filled with sorority girls (with dyed blond hair, and perfectly made-up faces and manicured nails - yuck!) from strict Baptist backgrounds who seemed to think that unwed, pregnant mothers should be burned at the stake, or, at the very least, given forty lashes. If I had met any one of these people down the pub on a Saturday night, I normally wouldn't have been able to restrain myself in ridiculing them and their opinions, but, well, obviously you can't do that in the classroom. I actually led a very rational and well-mannered discussion, and learned something very valuable - that screaming and ridiculing those who oppose you certainly ain't going to get them to change their minds! I do still believe that these girls' opinions were ill-formed and ignorant but I think it was important to give them the space to voice them, and to try to understand why they think the way they do. At the end of the course, one girl actually told me that she had completely rethought her opinions about abortion, and many other issues, because of the class (although this was mainly because of the absolutely fucking amazing professor, and not because of me).

To get back to the multiple choice question, I answered "neutral" because I just could not say in all honesty that I am not a judgemental, negative person. Clearly, "neutral" wasn't the answer they wanted here. They wanted me to pick "highly disagree" with a perky, cheerleader flourish, but I couldn't do it.

I realize that I may have completely fucked up my chances of getting picked to be a teacher but, you know what?, if a school district rejects me on the basis of an online personality test then I probably didn't want to work for them, anyway. I can just go back to Scotland where prospective teachers have to attend a group interview (in which you have to give a presentation) and a face-to-face interview.

Besides my disgust at the methods of choosing teachers in this state, I am also worried about the quality of education. I've been taking a beginners' Spanish class for the last month, and I nearly fell off my seat in shock when the teacher said that she would not be calling on any of us individually to speak or read in the class! Her reasons for this were that it can be awthfully wathfully scary wary for people to speak a foreign language in front of other people. Guess what? Yes, it is a fucking uncomfortable feeling (especially for me who has a slight stutter - God, I used to dread public speaking at school because I was ridiculed every time) but, Jesus fucking Christ, how on EARTH, do you expect people to learn to speak a foreign language properly if they DO NOT FUCKING SPEAK IT! ARRRGGGH! Apparently the word "conjugation" is to be avoided in her class because it might threaten Americans' self-esteem. Instead, she calls it "putting a verb into real time"????! Now, I realize that I have a degree in foreign languages, so I am perhaps more familiar with language learning than others in the class, but, nonetheless, I don't believe in making a classroom so comfortable that students are not challenged enough. Michael, who took Spanish in high school for several years, says that he can't speak a word because he was never encouraged to speak! What the hell?!

You know what, Mr McCain and Ms Palin: instead of focusing on invading other countries and bombing the fuck out of them, it might suit you better to pay more attention to your education system. Last night in the debate, Obama said that education has "more to do with our economic situation than anything". Yes! Thank You, Obama! I just hope to God that he gets elected because, if I do get accepted onto this teacher program, it will not be fun teaching under a McCain/Palin administration.

If teachers were paid better, then we wouldn't have to become hookers!

Slutty McWhore has fallen on hard times. My rent was due on September 1st but I only just managed to scrape it all together today. I've been so broke that I've actually not had enough money to eat properly and, as a result, I'm looking rather gaunt and skinny. The only reason I was able to have dinner tonight was because I found a stash of quarters I'd saved in a yoghurt pot in the days when I didn't have a washing machine, and had to go to a laundromat. Thankfully the wee Thai woman who accepted my mounds of silver in return for a steaming plate of noodles was incredibly sweet, and didn't seem to think I was a homeless crack addict.

It's all my own fault, of course. I've become so bored of massage recently that I can't really bring myself to work very much...and so I just don't. I can't keep going on like this, though. Clearly, something has to change.

On Thursday night, I attended an information session about becoming a high-school English teacher. I'm still very much in two minds about committing myself to a teacher training program in the States, though. First of all, I have no emotional attachment to the country, so it seems weird to teach kids here. Secondly, the thought that McCain and Palin might win the election totally terrifies me. I just can't stand to spend one second longer living in a country where people like that are actually accepted and venerated. Finally, if I do get certified as a teacher here, and then move to New York for a few years (as is the plan), I'll be in my mid-thirties at that point. I'm worried I'll end up being sucked into living in the US forever. I've seen it happen before; I know a Scottish guy here who's well into his eighties, and who's spent the last fifty years living here. He says he never meant to stay that long. Apparently it "just happened". I can't imagine living my whole life here, and having American kids with American accents. I have such a love/hate relationship with Scotland but, nonetheless, I'm very fond of it, and can't bear the thought of not returning there one day. Glasgow is like an old lover to me. I'm sick of it, and need something new and fresh, but it will always be my first and greatest love. There truly is no city like it.

My aversion to teaching is intertwined with my rather childish, immature belief that one has to be tortured to produce great art. Well, it's not that I actually consciously think this; but I do believe that this myth is embedded very deeply in my subconscious. Teaching just seems so bourgeois, so sensible, so stable. I always thought I'd live a more exciting, wilder and crazier life. Part of me definitely feels like I'm giving up or selling out by deciding to be a teacher.

But, hell, the annals of literature are filled with stories of poor artists having to work some shitty job to make ends meet. It's not like I'd be the first one - and teaching wouldn't even be shitty. Just time-consuming and emotionally draining. But, hey, if Robert Burns could be a customs and excise officer, then I can be a teacher! Let's just hope that I don't die a miserable death at the age of thirty-seven, like he did.

[Did I ever mention, by the way, that I think I bear an uncanny resemblance to Rabbie? Given that he comes from my neck of the woods, I'm convinced that we're related. Better still - the following extract from his biography (Catherine Carswell's one - read it! It's amazing!) suggests that I may very well be his reincarnation:

"During these obscure attacks, which affected not only the nervous but the muscular system, attacks of which the duration increased as he grew older, his mood fluctuated. At times, even during the onslaught, he could pull himself together, make efforts, be witty, and even wise; but for the most part he lost his grip on life and was crushed by fear, particularly the fear of poverty" (310).]

The teacher certification program doesn't start until January, and I wouldn't actually be earning any money as a teacher until next September! In other words, I could have a whole year of massage ahead of me! I've been scouring the job ads looking for teaching posts, but there are hardly any in this fucking town. The only jobs I can find seem to be in daycare centres, and I have zero experience with little kids - and I don't want to have any. Looking after a room full of toddlers is my idea of hell. I pity the poor women who take these jobs, as the employers spell out a long list of duties and responsibilities, and yet somehow think it's acceptable to pay $9/hr! I get infuriated reading these ads, as it seems that women's skills and life-experience are still not valued in this society. Looking after young children is certainly not my cup of tea, but it is still a very important job, and it's disgusting to pay women (because it will undoubtedly be women who fill these posts) so little.

It really is no fucking wonder that women turn to prostitution when there are just not enough well-paid jobs out there.

I was reminded tonight, though, just how much erotic massage pisses me off. I ended up working much later than usual, and when a regular of mine emailed to ask why my hours had changed, I told him I needed the money. The wee fucking shit then had the gall to email me back to ask if I would see him for $100 i.e. $20 less than usual. He obviously thought that I was desperate enough to give him a discount. Well, I was desperate actually, but I told the twat where he could stick his fucking $100. I would rather starve than see someone who thinks he can get one over on me. I am always disgusted when someone asks me for a discount. I feel like yelling "You want a discount for ME? ME? ME?!!! Me who has so much fucking passion, and love, and intelligence, and so many dreams, so much of everything! You have got to be fucking kidding!" That sounds arrogant but, ach, what the fuck do I care?! You need to have a large ego to avoid being ground down in this business.

He responded ranting some gibberish about how "The world doesn't revolve around ego maniacs, and that if you don't like the concept of discounts, and living in a capitalist society, then you should try Communism". It disturbs me that some Americans seem to think that anything other than rampant Capitalism and consumerism is the devil incarnate.

But it's not Communism that's the opposite of their greedy, self-interested, vapid society - it's compassion. And the people who support McCain and Palin are sorely lacking in that.

Photo Credit: gabs666